Sigh

One of the most downcast days this sem.

I write this in all honesty. Grades matter to me for this sem and the next if I still harbour hopes of getting a second upper. After the spate of events today, I actually caught myself thinking "Jessie, forget it lah. Just accept the damning fate, there's seriously no point hoping much".

I received the grades for that horrible module's report. C. Worse still, I have to send a formal email to the prof and explain why my peer evaluation differed so greatly from the others. He told me, unless I change my peer evaluation to be more consistent, I would either have to meet him to talk about it or he will arrange a meeting with the entire group. So, rather apparently, being the democratic and nice people, they gave me a 5 and gave each other a 5. It's not that I feel I deserve so much more than them, I just can't delude myself into thinking that we contributed equally. I don't mind settling for a 5, but they really deserve a 4 and below. Maybe I should just suggest to the prof to change the assessment weightage, so that the points deducted from them don't go to me. I just want my 5 that's all, I totally have no intention of snatching their points.

The report's already standing at a C. If I were to do a major sabotage, I wonder what will be their final grade man. Double stress. And, I actually felt betrayed when the prof first conveyed the message to me. The worst kind of feeling is like you've done alot, your group members jolly well can sense it, but in order not to shortchange themselves they all gang up against your favour and pretend everyone contributed equally. Now life sucks when the prof thinks I'm the anomaly.

Sigh, the times where I stayed up till 6am alone, leaving school close to 12am to finish up work they were supposed to do but conveniently pushed it to me. The times when I sent an email and no constructive responses were given at all and I have to think up a solution myself. The times when I myself had to think of 4 points which the company eventually accepted and when I only asked them to think of one point, it was so irrelevant that the company rejected our recommendations.

Everything seems so pre-planned that I'm beginning to suspect if I'm the one which actually thinks I've done alot but actually I've done the same amount as them. Really, I'm doubting whether what I stand for so strongly is even true.

Presentation today didn't go as well as I've hoped for. Mainly due to myself, I got flustered when the prof showed his fingers signalling three more minutes and we def need 5 minutes at least. And my friends actually said he showed it three times just that I was looking away.

And after I've gone home, caught up on my sleep, prayed and felt better, 301 results posted online gave me hell again. It's another 2 more failures. Some people enjoy telling the whole world they were certain they would fail. I don't. I know that when I say I'll fail, I really know I did an atrocious job. And yes, maybe people will start believing that Jessie gets an F grade too. And we shall wait to see those who say they're in the same boat as you, but actually they're in a cruise liner you're on the sampan.

3 straight failures in a day. I haven't experienced that for a long time. I wonder if I've really become dumber, lazier, or is there anything wrong with the markers in school? Suddenly, I feel that I can kiss my second upper goodbye.

It's not entirely about the grades though. I just feel like something I've been considering for so long, positively hoping for and working towards, all came crashing down in a day. I feel like a failure tonight. Sigh, don't feel like talking nor doing anything.

Thank you x 1000000 Xueling for the court shoes. It's really xue zhong song tan :) Thank you Weilun for yummy Puccho and milk candies, I felt like I went back to being a 19 year old.

And thank you God, for the great experiences in life that will only strengthen me. I definitely don't feel too good now, but I know You will definitely be there, even when I fall. It's getting tough to practise the things that I preach! All the "do not worry", "in Christ we are more than conquerors", "be still and know I am God", but I will work hard to apply Your word.

And now, I shall embark on drafting the email. I hope after today, this blog will certainly record lesser of my unhappy thoughts.